My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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