I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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