He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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