I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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