I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
