Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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