My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
