I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
