he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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