Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
