chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
