I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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