no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
