I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
