I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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