Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
