My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
