He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
