You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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