i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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