i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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