Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
