Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
