I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
