Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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