Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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