Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
