I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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