its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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