I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
