The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
