Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
