I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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