I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
