Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
