Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
