Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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