i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
