We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
