i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
