I like to think it a success when the cops are called
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
