3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
