I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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