I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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