Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
