I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
