Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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