i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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