So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
