So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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