The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
