saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
